Relationships. That’s a topic all guys like to talk about. Right? I think the reason men don’t like talking about relationships because we are too busy fixing things and gathering food. OK – I tried!
The general thought is that men identify themselves by what they do and women identify themselves by who they know – their relationships. No wonder we both have problems. We should be identifying ourselves by who we are.
Think about this … if we started developing our relationships based on who we are instead of what we did or who we know, I believe we would be much more successful. What we do and who we know are nothing more than temporary conditions.
For those of you that don’t know, the first thirty years of my “career” was in the construction industry. One thing I never planned for in the transition to becoming a coach, speaker and trainer in the Leadership world was building a new identity. Yes. I said “building a new identity.” See a problem with that?
If my identity had been built on who I was instead of what I did, it would have been a much smoother transition. I guess I am somewhat appreciative of this circumstance because it has allowed me to understand the importance of our identity and how it plays into our relationships.
Looking back, I know “who I was” played a role in my success in the construction world. That part of me was able to connect well with most of the people I worked with, notwithstanding a few that just couldn’t get along with me. I don’t know what their problem was. LOL. But at the end of the day, I was still the “estimator”, “project manager” or “superintendent.”
Where it really caused an issue was at home. My wife and our boys always knew who I was but during 25 years of marriage and the entire life of our sons (now both in college) I had always been the guy who got up early, went to work, came home and then did it again the next day. Same scenario every day. Year after year.
My father-in-law asked our youngest son just recently “what’s your dad up to these days?” The response, “I’m not really sure.” Honestly, that one hurt a little. No fault on him, but I am still identified by what I do. Do you see the problem yet?
I have a new philosophy now. When people ask me what I do, I respond by saying “I build what matters.” I usually get a funny look and a response like “Oh, like buildings?” I then respond with “No, I build people.” Then I really get a funny look!
The point is this. We should all want to be recognized for who we are, not what we do or who we know. I think the women are actually closer to having it right then us men. Everything we have can be taken away in an instant.
I took my boys to New Orleans twice to help with the Hurricane Katrina clean-up efforts. We heard countless stories of people that lost it all in the storm. Most of them had unbelievably positive attitudes. Why? Because they still had each other.
This has been a rough time in our economy. There are still countless people that lost their jobs during the economic downturn. The only way a lot of them made it through was because of their relationships.
We have no idea what the future holds and I would encourage you to consider what would happen if you lost everything tomorrow. If your job description was eliminated tomorrow, who would you turn to?
Do you have relationships that could sustain you or are you simply “what you do?”
***********************************************************************
Don’t miss a single post in this series from Building What Matters by subscribing at the top left of this page.
For more information on my next Deeper Path Cohort click here
Help support us by clicking here and Liking our facebook page
Barry Smith www.buildingwhatmatters.com 4/12/13 photo by author
You know how it is, Barry, when you read something at just the right time? Will be passing this on to a couple of people who’d benefit from the message. I love the line “I build people” – well said!
Thanks,
Carrie
Thanks Carrie. I hope that those that you pass this along to, have a similar response. Thanks for the support.
I absolutely LOVED this blog so much! Finally someone who talks sense 🙂
I love your question too – I think we all need to step away sometimes from the labels that are placed upon us and simply BE who we are. Developing those close relationships with partner, parents, friends, and family can help when you simply have one of those days/weeks/months/years where you simply need to say…”I’m not this, I’m not that… I’m Me!” and then true love sustains us because they ‘see us’, they ‘Accept us’, but it’s when we see ourselves and accept ourselves that others can do the same.
Wow, A great post! 🙂
Dawn 🙂
Thanks so much Dawn. Makes me wonder how much time we spend “not being something” instead of focusing on who we are.
Hi, visiting from the UBC 🙂 My husband has chatted more about our relationship in the last 4 months, compared to the last 24 years. And it is lovely to have a 2 way conversation out our relationship 🙂
Suzanne @ Suzannes Tribe
Thanks Suzanne for the reminder of how important communication is. Never want to forget about that!
This is a great post. Thanks, Barry!
Thank you Amy. I appreciate the encouragement.
Well said Barry! At the end of the day its truly the relationships we cultivate along the way that adds that extra ‘meaningfullness’ to everything. And those relationships are best cultivated around who You are! ..the brand Called, You!
Thank You!
Peace+Love
Namaste
Thanks Josie. Great added thought by adding “brand” to the conversation.
Love, love this Barry! Relationships, whether it be business, family, work etc..Exactly my thought today, too many are about doing, busy with work, a new project, but what will our footprints in the sand say about us at the end of the day.
“Footprints in the sand” – Great word picture to throw into the mix Yvonne. Thank you!
Yet another great post Barry. As I am going through a major personal transition, I’m reminded of the importance of being taking care of and taking care of people that love you.
Love is all that what matters in the end, no matter what. Thanks for being there. For being such an inspirational leader for us all.
Johann
Johann, thanks for your continued support my friend. I am honored to be part of your journey.
‘No wonder we both have problems. We should be identifying ourselves by who we are’. Indeed! I’m so glad I found you through UBC. This post had really resonated with me because I have been giving thought later on how we define ourselves. Who you are is not what you do. If I define myself as an athlete and I lose my legs in an accident then my whole world is turned upside down because my identity is tied to my occupation.
Well stated Carlana. Too many people in our circles are living off the title on their business card. I wonder what their title would be if the job went away!
What a wonderful and inspiring post, Barry! You write about something dear to my heart. My parents always used labels when they would describe their 3 children. I hated it and vowed never to do that with my own. To this day, I have told my daughters that what matters is not what they do, but what kind of people they are. Loved, loved your post! Thanks.
Terri
I know my husband totally id’ed himself with what he does and not with him. So a big thank you, I need to gently help him id himself with his goodness. I id’ed myself with “the phone company” and AT&T then with Human Resources. Then when I lost my Mom and left Human Resources I had to find me. I’m glad that id myself with me. No one can take that away from me.
You make a great point Sabrina. No one can take it away. That is where the real power is in identifying who you are – you can’t get fired from that. Thanks for the great input.