I was recently involved in a conversation with my coaching mentor on the topic of self leadership. The conversation was related to the coaching process but it struck me that the practice of self-leadership is really something that we need to incorporate into all aspects of our lives.
I commented that I had told one of my mastermind groups that I would occasionally “put on my coaches hat” during our meetings. The more I study the art of coaching, the more I realize that coaching is a process that can help us in all forms of communication, whether structured or unstructured.
The backbone of the coaching process is that the answers to the questions already exist within the individual, they simply are not asking the right questions. So I got to thinking “why can’t we steer our everyday conversations towards asking the right questions?”
Here are 5 keywords to consider when having everyday conversations:
1. AWARENESS
How much are we aware of what is really being said in any conversation that we have? I know I am often guilty of thinking more about my response than what is actually being spoken to me. To be really aware in the conversation, you need to give total focus to the words being spoken to you and not on the words you are planning to respond with.
2. ENGAGEMENT
Another conversational trap … are you really engaged with the person you are speaking with (notice I said with and not to)? Making the conversation about the other person is the best way to become and remain engaged. The minute our own thoughts and agenda take over we have disengaged.
3. NON-JUDGEMENTAL
The other person has for whatever reason decided to share and confide in you. Typically this is not done to promote some type of judgement in return. Many times the words that are spoken are simply an effort to be heard. No solution or instruction is needed, simply acknowledgement and affirmation.
4. RESPONSIBILITY
I believe that we are all here to serve a greater purpose. We have a responsibility to each other to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. When actively participating in a conversation, our responsibility is to listen, not speak. People, by nature, want to be heard. They want to be validated and have their feelings and thoughts affirmed. Don’t feel the need to fix every problem that comes across your table. Remember the first principle of coaching … the answer is within the individual.
5. PERMISSION
If you do have something to say that you feel may be constructive, ask permission to share it. What’s wrong with simply asking “Can I tell you what I think?” or “Would you like to know how I feel about it?” Sometimes the answer might be “No, I just needed to get that out of my system.” Making the conversation about the other person can result in no need to say anything, simply listen and hear what is being said.
Self Leadership is a necessary tool in coaching. But it’s more than that. It is a tool that can be used in everything we do that involves communication.
The next time you get into a conversation, lead yourself to a point in which the question you ask is “How can I help the person I am talking to answer their own question?” This is the way we develop others to become more self confident and independent. That is true influence!
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Barry Smith www.buildingwhatmatters.com 10/26/12 photo by author
